ENDLESS VACANCIES

We got a room, 
for one night, 
just him and me. 
My heart was cute and cheap like a quaint B and B, 
one painted in ice cream colours,  
with a view of the sea. 

I fell in love, 
so I decided to stay,
though I always knew it was just a dirty holiday,
it felt like home, 
so I invested everything that I owned, 
then he left
and I stayed here alone. 

I shut the door, 
made a cup of tea,  
put a sign in the window reading  
NO VACANCIES.  
And after crying and going berserk,
I just sighed a long sigh...  
then I got straight to work.  

I stripped the paper off of the walls,  
unpicking all the old patterns,  
getting lost in memories of memories,  
wondering what the hell happened.  
I pulled up all the carpets
to see what was beneath, 
and found I had nothing  
that I wanted to keep, 
and the only dream that I had left was another new start, 
to create something new I was ready to rip myself apart.
But I stayed right here,  
true to my heart.  

I left “our” room untouched,  
but I’d go there at the end of every day.
The air got stale and dusty
and his smell began to fade.  
I told myself “this room can wait,  
after the other renovations, 
I will come back to this one”,  
but I don’t need to now,  
I am finally done.   

Though to be honest I am nostalgic, 
I still love that room, 
I glance in sometimes,  
but I don’t enter it now,  
it stopped feeling like mine.  
I put a red rope at the door,  
made us a museum display,  
a time capsule of a feeling that was never meant to stay,  
a glimpse of our recent history,  
to show how different life used to be,  
and how we decorated in such bad taste... 
though I’ll still tell you it is beautiful,  
and yes, sometimes it seems like a waste
to keep a whole room in my heart,
from another time, 
just taking up space...
but my heart
is an infinite place. 
And that room will always be there,  
because it is part of me,  
I can close the door and just leave it be. 
I don’t need to destroy everything  
to create something new.
I have planning permission to extend  
and five star TripAdvisor reviews. 
This hyper real estate of my heart
just keeps on expanding,  
so I might have a room for you too.   

I changed the sign in the window, 
to read  
ENDLESS VACANCIES  
because my heart is so much bigger
than just him and me.